Zane’s Favorite Video Game Characters - Cave Johnson from Portal 2
“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade - make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these?”
Oh please, like you need a god damn explanation. You know damn well why this fucker is here on this list. Jesus Christ.
This guy. This guy right here. Science. From when he lived, till the day he died. SCIENCE.
GET IN THIS COMPUTER CAROLINE, WE’RE DOING SCIENCE.
Zane’s Favorite Video Game Characters - Yusuf Amir from GTA IV
“You know… we were just having a little creative meeting and things went a bit crazy and I somehow lost my pants!”
I have a deep respect for Yusuf. Want to know why? Simply, he brings the series back to its roots. GTA IV was grey, depressing, and dark. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great game, but it’s a far cry from the Outrageous hydra jet thefts of San Andreas or the neon glow of Vice City.
With Yusuf, you:
- Steal a SWAT tank
- Steal a military chopper from an arms dealer (which he later covers in gold)
- Steal a SUBWAY CAR (He’s going to turn it into a theme park ride in Dubai)
- Get a full auto shotgun with explosive rounds.
And, in a game where double crosses are a dime a dozen, Yusuf never leaves your side. Ever. Despite his outrageous mannerisms and disgusting indulgences, he really has a heart (and Uzi) of gold.
Zane’s Favorite Video Game Characters - Oda Nobunaga from Civlization V
“You have shown remarkable skill and audacity. One would almost think you were Japanese!”
Civilization V is chock-full of history’s greatest warmongers. Attila the Hun, Montezuma, and Alexander the Great would like nothing more than to see your cities burn. They will try again and again… and again to do so. Among these militant nations is Japan, led my Oda Nobunaga. This warrior will come at you eventually, and you better be ready for it, because Japan’s national ability, Bushido, makes them devastating in combat.
If you do beat him, however, he will be your friend forever.
Oda has a unique AI trait; He respects the player if they show skill in war. While Greece or Rome will continually attempt to conquer your lands (sometimes immediately after the previous Peace Treaty expires), Japan will wait AT LEAST a Millennium before trying again.
You’ve defeated the mighty empire of Japan. You have EARNED the right to exist.
Zane’s Favorite Video Game Characters - Bosco from Sam and Max
“Look, man, all I know is, I keep making up the most ridiculous price I can think of, and you keep paying it! So I ask you: who’s the fool?”
“Pfft. that Bosco! What a loon! Bosco, will you relax? There aren’t time traveling aliens after you! Please Bosco, why would your mother be trying to kill you!? Bosco, Shut up, there is no way the US Government is targeting your shop with a missile!”
And then you learn that Bosco is absolutely right about all his theories.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Zane’s Favorite Video Game Characters- Mr. House from Fallout: New Vegas
“Success depends on forethought, dispassionate calculation of probabilities, accounting for every stray variable.”
Mr. House predicted the great war, and though he didn’t manage to destroy all the Nukes headed for New Vegas, he is largely responsible for the Mojave not being as much of a wasteland as the East Coast.
200 years later, he still manages to outwit the various factions battling for control of the Urban spectacle of New Vegas. And he does an excellent job doing so. It really says something when the only way to win New Vegas as a different faction is to Kill Mr. House. He’s the leader I admire; calculating, brilliant, and never hasty to show his hand to the other gamblers at the table.
Never forget; In Vegas, the House always wins.
Zane’s Favorite Video Game Characters- Leonardo Da Vinci from Assassin’s Creed II
“Ezio. I think I’ve figured out how to make a man fly.”
Leonardo Da Vinci. Where to freaking begin. First off, the guy builds a flying machine. Do I have to say more?
Fine, I’ll say more. I think the Voice Actor for Leo really captures his personality. He’s always filled with energy and passion for discovery, even when things are grim. He’s so passionate about his work, and you really believe this mild mannered Italian man can become one of the greatest minds in western history. And he doesn’t pick up a weapon for the entire game, yet makes some of the biggest impacts on the story. What a boss.
Zane’s Favorite Video Game Characters- Mr. Torgue from Borderlands 2
“You wanna hear about loot, and pecs, AND EXPLOSIONS! I’m Torgue, and I am here to ask you one question, and one question only: EXPLOSIONS?”
Mr. Torgue is what would happen if Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan were ground up into a fine powder and injected into Vince McMahon’s arm. He can’t speak in a volume less than shout, swears like a sailor, and won’t trouble himself with something if it doesn’t end in a guitar solo or an explosion.
He’s also one of the friendliest and most likable characters in the Borderlands franchise.
Mr. Torgue is all about respecting ladies (see above quote), never betrays you, and despite his brutish appearance, he designed every Torgue weapon himself. To put this in perspective, his guns shoot ROCKETS. Yes. Even the shotguns. He has no ulterior motives or schemes. He’s all about blowing stuff up and being a badass.
Long story short, Torgue took the tough guy character archetype, a stereotype I despise in storytelling, and made him genuinely awesome.
You really don’t know that much, Jon Snow.